Is It Normal to Hate Having S*x? Read What Experts Have to Say About it

 

 

How much s*x should we be having?

 

The magic number of times a week to achieve optimum happiness in a relationship is a hotly debated subject. 

 

But putting s*x under the microscope has increasing led to people to question whether they're doing it either enough or right.

 

The recent phenomenon means people who don't enjoy intercourse are frowned upon and considered odd. 

 

Writing for The Conversation, Juliet Ritchers - a professor in s*xual health at University of New South Wales, Australia - explores the subject.

 

She asks is it normal not to have s*x or not to be interested in having it? The answer has been "absolutely normal"

 

 

People who don't feel the need for s*x are rarely or never aroused. 

 

They can go for days, weeks, months or even years without s*x, whereas others are irritable, distracted and unhappy after even a few days of sexual abstinence; 'biting the walls', a colleague of mine once called it.

 

And some people are interested when there's someone around to have sex with, but with no partner there as a prompt, they don't miss s*x.

 

Sexual interest comes and goes over time. It can disappear at times of illness and stress (even though some people use sex as a kind of stress-reliever). 

 

Most parents of young children know the sensation of being far more keen on sleep than on s*x.

 

For many, s*xual interest wanes in later life, though it may flower again in a new relationship. 

 

The social institution of monogamous marriage means that people might at times feel they should supply the s*xual 'needs' of their partner and it can become a duty to have sex, and want it.

 

Even people who identify as asexual are not all the same. 

 

Some are not interested in having s*x with other people, but still have a libido, feel sexual arousal and still masturbate.

 

Some of those people may have personality traits that would put them on the autism spectrum, such as generally lacking interest in other people. 

 

Others are simply not aware of any internal sexual drive, although they may still have close, even romantic, relationships.

 

S*x was once something that was either done in the marriage bed, whether as a pleasure or a duty, or not done at all except by libertines and reprobates. 

 

The idea that everyone should have and enjoy sex, and continue doing so through old age, is recent. 

 

It seems a pity to replace a set of prohibitions on sex with a prohibition on not having it.

 

A national study of Australians asked more than 20,000 people between 16 and 69 about their s*x lives.

 

Around six per cent of all respondents had never had p*nis-in-v*gina intercourse (some of whom were same-s*x-attracted) and nearly half of those had never had any kind of sexual experience with another person. 

 

But about two-thirds of virgins were under 20 and would probably go on to have intercourse.

 

Less than one per cent – around 70 people – said they'd never felt sexually attracted to anyone, but this number is probably higher in the real population.

 

Some people who suspect they might be confronted with questions about their sexuality and feel uncomfortable answering them might refuse to take part in such surveys. 

 

Even in the best random-sample population surveys, on any topic, one in every three or four eligible people refuses to participate.

 

We know the people who refuse sex surveys are not the same as those who take part. Refusers are likely to be less sexually liberal in their attitudes and also younger.

 

Thus many sexually inactive people, especially virgins, are probably missing from sexual behaviour surveys. 

 

For a start, 99 per cent of people over 30 say they have had intercourse.

 

This is surprisingly high when you think about lifelong singles, including some disabled people, nuns and priests.

 

 

In the 19th century, lots of people had never had intercourse. 

 

Many in domestic service, armed forces, the church and so on never married and this was thought quite normal. 

 

S*x outside marriage, masturbation and sex with same-sex partners were all much more stigmatised than now (though sex work was far more common).

 

But these days, failure to achieve partnered status is often seen as a problem. 

 

So one issue for people not interested in sex is created by everyone else's idea that they should be and that there's something wrong with them.

 

Even among people in male–female regular sexual relationships, the survey showed about one person in six had not had sex in the past four weeks.

 

Asked: 'During the last year, has there been a period of one month or more when you lacked interest in having sex?', about a quarter of all men and half of all women said yes. 

 

This is much the same in Britain and the United States.

 

But, somehow, the question itself sets up the expectation that not feeling like having sex is a failing or problem, especially as it's followed by other questions about things that really sound like problems, such as painful intercourse and trouble keeping an erection.

 

Feeling up-for-it is also quite subjective and relates to personal circumstances; sometimes it's relative. 

 

Some people feel they lack interest because they don't want sex as often as their partner, even if they would miss it if they had to go entirely without.